I dreamed a Dream
by StarlessNight18
Summary: Songfic! Remus Lupin thinks about his life nine years after Harry's parents were killed. Please read and review!


A/N: The song is from the musical "Les Miserable" and when I hear it I always think of Remus. I've changed three or four lines to make them fit better.   
  
I hope you enjoy it! Please review!   
  
Disclaimer: Nothing belongs to me )-:  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
I dreamed a Dream  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
~ There was a time when men were kind  
When their voices were soft  
And their words inviting ~  
  
Slowly I return home. Again I have lost my job. Well, not that I expected anything else. Nobody wants a werewolf and by now the whole town knows what I am.   
  
Again it's time to move away.  
  
I don't consider this place as my home anyway. After all I've only been living here for about a year. Where ever I was during the last 9 years, they all figured out sooner or later. Sometimes it took them only a few months or so. And then I have to leave the town. I cannot stand the hatred I feel from everywhere, the letters telling me to go, calling me a beast, the people cursing me openly, the mothers hiding their children...  
  
That probably hurts most. As if I could hurt a child in my human form...   
  
I sit down on my bed and look around in the spare room. It was, except for the bathroom, the only room in the house. There's only a table, two chairs (not that I ever needed the second one for I never get visitors) and two closets. One for clothes and one for food. Today there is no food in the house, I don't have any money to buy some.   
  
It doesn't matter, though. I'm not really hungry anyway. Instead of thinking of things I don't have I reach under the small pillow to look at the only possession I have left which means something to me. It an album with old photos. Still it looks like new, as if the last years have only been a bad dream and all that I see on the pictures just happened yesterday.   
  
I look at the first page and I see four young boys waving and laughing. I am one of them, standing between Sirius and Peter, James is standing next to Sirius. I wasn't an outsider back then, but a part of my friends who loved me.  
  
~ There was a time when love was blind  
And the world was a song  
And the song was exciting ~  
  
And I loved them back, with all my heart.   
  
I can remember having so much fun with them, even though I didn't always agree with their doings, especially when it came to Severus Snape. But most of the time they had been nice guys, my best friends. And I have to admit that I was a part of most of their pranks, like writing the Marauder's map.  
  
And I liked it. I enjoyed every single moment of it. It was funny to play harmless pranks on the teachers, it was exciting to creep out to visit Hogsmead when we weren't allowed to, it was nice to annoy Slytherins. It all was like a great adventure from which we thought it would never end.   
  
~ There was a time  
It all went wrong ~  
  
Slowly I look at one page after another and as always I get lost in the memories.  
  
There are pictures of us during the winter holidays. Most of the time we were in Hogwarts then because Sirius didn't want to go home to his family and we didn't want him to be alone for two weeks. We had so much fun, probably much more than we would have had at home.  
  
I would give everything for one more day, one more hour, in which I could be with them.  
  
~ I dreamed a dream in time gone by  
When hope was high   
And life worth living ~  
  
There's a photo from our fifth year. That was when we started to actually think about our future.   
  
We made plans about possible careers and James and Sirius really surprised me. They took it pretty serious, started research and tried to find something they would like to do after school.  
  
For James it was soon clear that he wanted to be an Auror and Peter wanted to work in his father's store for magical equipment. Sirius more or less gave up and decided to think about it later.   
  
But he wasn't the only one having problems in finding a good job. There was so much I wanted to do, like being a teacher (which I liked best) or a healer. Something with responsibility. Unfortunately I knew from the beginning that I had no chance to get a job like that. Even though my grades were very good nobody would allow a werewolf to be a teacher or healer. Even back then I knew that.  
  
And still it didn't seem so bad for I was never alone and as long as I wasn't alone I could still hope.  
  
Every time I was depressed while thinking about my future James, Sirius or Peter were there to cheer me up. They knew what troubled me. In them I always found someone to understand me. They talked to me, listened to me and sometimes, or most of the time, they just managed to make me focus on something different.  
  
When they were with me I wasn't afraid of what was yet to come for I knew they would help me through it. And somehow I still hoped that somebody would find a cure, so I somewhen would be able to lead a normal life.  
  
~ I dreamed that love would never die  
I dreamed that god would be forgiving ~  
  
That was also the time when James fell in love with Lily Evans, a nice red-haired girl who was also in Gryffindor. To his great disappointment she was the only one who could resist him. It was quite amusing how he managed to make an idiot out of himself while he was trying to impress her. Sirius and I used to joke about it while Peter couldn't decide wether to laugh with us or to pout with James.   
  
But in the seventh year he finally managed to convince her to go out with him and that was the time she started to love him back. And even though he spent much time with his new girl-friend he always remained a part of the Marauders.  
  
In fact we got one more member. Lily soon was a part of us and we all liked her, there was never any jealousy between us, there was no reason.  
  
They were a wonderful couple, truly belonging to one another.  
  
I guess on their wedding day I was just as happy as they themselves. Every problem, Voldemort, the fact that I didn't find a job, the fact that so many people hated me because of what I was, all that seemed suddenly so far away. It didn't matter. Only the two of them mattered this day.   
  
~ Then I was young and unafraid   
And dreams were made, and used, and wasted ~  
  
Again I turn to the next page and see a picture of little Harry in his mother's arms. He had just been born and already stared at the camera with big, bright and curious eyes. Lily had never looked more beautiful. I still recall how proud James was back then. For weeks he only had eyes for his son.  
  
A smile comes to my lips.   
  
Sirius and I weren't any different. Every time we visited our friends the first thing we looked for was Harry. He was such a beautiful child. Peter wasn't quite as impressed as we were. Of course he liked the boy but he just didn't have a hand for children.   
  
Ah, there's a picture I have made from his christening. Sirius was the godfather and stood together with James, Lily and Harry next to the priest.   
  
I would never have expected him to become a tr...  
  
No, that's not the moment to think about that. The day was bad enough, I don't have to make it even worse by thinking about the worst time in my entire life.  
  
Not when it's so much better to think about the good times I could share with my friends.   
  
Those years from our graduation to a few months after Harry's first birthday were like a dream. Yes, there were bad times, too. People avoided me already, it was nearly impossible to get a job, but I still had hope that everything would be fine one day.  
  
In my fantasy there were still so many possibility, so many dreams.   
  
~ There was no ransom to be paid  
No song unsung  
No wine untasted ~  
  
My thoughts are interrupted as I hear a gentle knock on the window. I flinch and lay the precious book aside.  
  
I never get visitors and I have been attacked by scared people already. That was the only time that anybody tried to kill me because I am a werewolf and it is three years ago now. But I still remember everything as if it was only yesterday. They wanted to burn me alive, they called me a beast, a monster, I could see the pure hatred and fear in their eyes.   
  
I cannot banish that picture from my mind and so I am still suspicious.  
  
Slowly I walk over to the window. To my relief it's only an owl. I take the letter it carries and caress the white head for a moment, then it flies away.   
  
I don't really have a desire to open the envelope, it's probably only another thread. "Leave or we'll make you." "Stay away from our children or we'll kill you." Something like that.  
  
But as I read it I see that it's message from my landlord, asking me to leave withing the next seven days because I hadven't paid the rent for last month.   
  
That is true. I just lost my job then and I don't have any money since.  
  
I shrug, I wanted to leave anyway.   
  
In a different town I will find a new job easily because of the wonderful grades I had in Hogwarts, and I will loose it again as soon as somebody finds out. I'm used to that already. As used as one can be.  
  
I will leave tomorrow, not today. I'm too tired to go anywhere.  
  
With a spell I pack my things so I can leave early in the morning and then I return to bed, intending to go to sleep. And I know that everyone here will sleep better tomorrow night, when they know that I'm gone.  
  
The book is still where I left it, Sirius, who's sitting on his beloved motor-bike, grins at me and I can't help but smile back. He always asked me to join him for a ride, I always refused. It was enough for me to stay on the ground and watch him fly with this terribly loud thing. Lily totally agreed with me there. It was fun, though, to see how much Harry enjoyed it when Sirius took him with him sometimes. That was the only time when Padfoot drove, or flew, carefully.   
  
When they returned to the ground the boy's eyes were sparkling, he was laughing happily, clapping his hands in exitement.  
  
I so wish I could see the little one again. He was nine now, soon he would be old enough to go to Hogwarts.  
  
~ But the tigers come at night  
With their voices soft as thunder  
As they tear your hope apart  
As they turn your dream to shame ~  
  
But I haven't seen him since his parents died.   
  
That night I also heard a knock on my window. It was also an owl, but it didn't deliver a letter, it brought a special from the Dayly Prophet for free. That fact itself was strange.   
  
There it stood in bright red letters, words that changed everything for our world. "LORD VOLDERMORT IS GONE". But when I read the whole article the joy was gone. James and Lily were dead, Harry had survived somehow, now he was 'The Boy who lived'. Everybody knew his name, he was a hero. A hero who wasn't even two years old and had lost both his parents. Sirius was on his way to Azkaban and Peter was dead as well. There were pictures from the destroyed house where I had spent so many happy hours. And there was also a picture of Sirius, who had become a traitor. When I turned the page again I saw Peter, smiling shyly. He was gone, too.  
  
All was gone.   
  
My friends, my joy, my hope, my dreams...  
  
Everything.  
  
Shaking my head I realize that I cry.   
  
I don't want to, it just comes over me sometimes. It's hard to hold back my feelings when I think of this terrible night. Everybody was celebrating the fall of the Dark Lord, I was alone in my room.   
  
For the first few hours I didn't even cry. I didn't understand it. An evenings before I had been with them at James' and Lily's house. Sirius and Peter had been there, too, and we had had a great time - as always.  
  
They couldn't be gone now. It seemed so unreal. We had been happy, it had all been completely normal. Nothing had made us suspect that something was wrong with Sirius. Peter had been pretty silent, but he had told us that he hadn't felt well and so it had been understandable. But Padfoot had been as always.   
  
Still I think that I should have seen it somehow, I should have stopped him, I should have saved them.  
  
~ They were a summer by my side  
They filled my days with endless wonder ~  
  
After all they were always there for me, too.  
  
When were still in Hogwarts they had always been there for me. I hadn't been the most popular student, but they had stopped the Slytherins from hurting me.   
  
During our first days at school a friendship had been formed from which I had thought it would last forever.   
  
First I was feeling pretty bad for keeping that terrible secret from them. But they had figured out soon enough. When they confronted me I thought that they would hate me now. To my great surprise they didn't. Sirius was the first who came towards me and gently took me into an embrace, told me to calm down, that everything would be fine. Finally James and Peter joined him and for the first time in my life I felt truly loved by somebody else than my parents.  
  
~ They made my childhood feel so right  
But they were gone when autumn came ~  
  
From that moment on my life was so much easier. There were three people who loved and accepted me. I didn't have to hide anything from them. If they accepted that I was a werewolf they would accept everything.  
  
There were no secrets anymore, they helped me in any way they could and I knew that we could always count on each other.  
  
When I think back now the time I was able to spend with them seems so bloody short. Such a short time and it has to be enough to comfort me for the rest of my life. Right after they had died I was thinking about suicide, but I wasn't brave enough for that. I just couldn't do it. I will live until god, or who else may have something to say, decides to allow me to join my friends.  
  
And I'm calling myself a Gryffindor.   
  
Funny, isn't it?  
  
Well, maybe not, but there's no happiness in my life anymore, nothing that makes me smile or laugh, except for those photos, and even then it's a sad smile.   
  
The summer of my life is gone, the autumn is over and the winter will last until the end.  
  
~ And still I dream they'll come to me  
That we will live the years together ~  
  
I put the book back to its original place, lie down on the bed and close my eyes.   
  
Tomorrow I will leave after all, I have to sleep now, if only for a few hours.  
  
I like the nights, as long as the moon isn't full yet. The days are dark and without joy, the nights bring me back to them. In my dreams we will always remain young, in my dreams my friends would never leave me.   
  
The dream is always the same. I am in my bed, waking up with a start. Suddenly James, Peter and Sirius are at my side, smiling down at me. And I tell them about my nightmare. The nightmare in which they died and in which I was alone for nine long years. First they are silent, staring at me in disbelieve. Then Sirius, who isn't the traitor sitting in Azkaban right now, but the charming boy I remember, takes me into his arms and tells me that I must be stupid to have such silly dreams. James laughes and agrees. And I finally join them, laughing with them, finally happy again. Then Lily comes in, handing me Harry, who is sleeping peacefully in my arms. I never see how Voldemort attacks the Potters, how Sirius tells the Dark Lord about his friends, I never see Peter dying. Maybe because I avoided to picture these events for all those years. I didn't want to know, to remember. I desperately wanted to pretend that nothing of it ever happened.   
  
~ But there are dreams that cannot be  
And there are storms we cannot weather ~  
  
But when I wake up with the first light in the morning I usually refuse to open my eyes for a few moments. For I know what is to be expected.   
  
A cold and empty room, nobody is with me anymore.   
  
Nobody will ever be with me again.  
  
But for a few more moments, only a few more moments, I pretend that they are still here, that I only have to open my eyes to see them, laughing at me for having stupid nightmares.  
  
But the nightmare has become real, nine long years ago, and when I start to realize that I slowly open my eyes. I get up, take the few things I want to keep and then I leave the house never to return.  
  
I don't even look back, there is no need to.  
  
~ I had a dream my life would be  
So different from this hell I'm living  
So different now from what it seemed ~  
  
I don't know where to go yet.   
  
A town far away, where nobody knows me, where nobody knows what I am.   
  
In times like this I miss my old home, where I have lived after I had moved out of my parents' house. It wasn't anything great or special, but it was something I called home.   
  
James, Sirius and Peter had helped me to make it ready before I was able to move in. We had so much fun during this work. Prongs had just become a Auror, Sirius was working for the Ministery as well and Peter had accepted a job in his father's shop and seemed quite content with it. I was the only one without a job. Back then I was still honest and when I wanted a job I admitted that I was a werewolf. It was impossible to get anything this way.   
  
But my friends, especially James and Sirius were always there to cheer me up, telling me that I would surely find something soon and I believed them.   
  
I didn't want anything great - just spending time with my friends, a place I could call home, acceptance and a job to earn just enough money to lead a good life.  
  
Obviously that was too much to ask.  
  
~ Now life has killed  
The dream I dreamed ~  
  
END 


End file.
